urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:melt_me_down what i am is not real. she's still too young to choose. 2006-09-20T07:21:57Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:melt_me_down:17573 2006-09-20T07:21:57Z 2006-09-20T07:21:57Z I feel like I'm always stuck at that same turning point.... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:melt_me_down:17385 2006-09-15T05:42:01Z 2006-09-15T05:42:01Z no one knows me like you<br />and I have that feeling<br />you know that feeling?<br />the one that tells you<br />you'll never get over that one person<br />it scares me more<br />than you could ever know<br />when I try to speak<br />it never comes out right<br />and we're left with these<br />awkward moments<br />but no one knows me like you<br />and you try<br />and I try<br />and somehow we pull through<br />I know you'll never realise<br />how happy I am<br />that no one knows me like you urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:melt_me_down:16707 2006-05-17T08:15:14Z 2006-05-17T08:15:14Z i've been having dreams that don't make sense. i've been torturing myself for no real reason at all. i can't understand. me. or you. you won't talk to me because you can't admit that you're upset but you have no reason to be. so i pretend that i'm alright with it and let you sulk. it's fucking tearing me up inside. i find real ways to make myself miserable because i know you're feeling miserable. this isn't making sense. it never does. i just want to be able to sleep again. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:melt_me_down:16535 2006-05-15T06:33:06Z 2006-05-15T06:33:06Z even though i feel that i have nothing left to offer, i can't stop making half-hearted attempts. i need to give, regardless of the fact that there's nothing left to give. everything i could have done differently, or better, or not have done at all, it drives me crazy. crazy. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:melt_me_down:16152 2006-05-08T03:45:10Z 2006-05-08T03:45:10Z I feel like I should be more excited. I guess so much is going right in the direction I want it to, so to speak. (knock on wood.) Yet I have that feeling that I don't deserve anything that I'm happy about. My friends. Family. Great company. You know, simple things taken for granted.<br /><br />There are the ups and downs. The fact that I completely don't understand anything that my mom does. Or says. Why I get caught in the middle of everyone's fights? Okay, not everyone's... Mom vs. stepdad. Mom vs. dad. Mom vs. siblings. Mom vs. the world. So many complications to the one I owe my life to. She never lets me forget it, either. I hate that. It's such a low blow. Her answer for everything is: "well, I brought you into this world. If it weren't for me, you wouldn't have a life." Thanks for acting like you really want me around...I'm just a pawn.<br /><br />I'm pretty groggy. Itchy, too. Allergy season is a killer on my moods. And sleep habits. So I guess this won't even matter in the morning. Whatever. Summer is upon us and I'm pretty pumped about that. I need a summer job. There's always my place back at Panera. Ha. Maybe if I'm desperate enough. I'm finally getting school situated. Once I'm done with that, I don't even care what happens. I just want to make sure I'm not wasting my time here. I want to ...conquer. Yada yada. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:melt_me_down:15976 2006-05-04T18:50:56Z 2006-05-04T18:50:56Z lost<br />motivation urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:melt_me_down:15638 2005-09-07T06:35:46Z 2005-09-07T06:35:46Z no one seems able to understand...<br />and i see it in my head.<br />win/lose/win/lose/win.<br />i lose.<br />i don't want to play follow the leader here.<br />i'm trying to be mature about this.<br />choose, they keep saying.<br />but why? just to hurt someone in the end?<br />win/lose/win/lose/win.<br />the odds are always the same.<br />i lose. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:melt_me_down:15549 2005-08-31T02:30:08Z 2005-08-31T02:30:08Z it's crazy what you'll remember in a day.<br> <br> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; <span style="font-style: italic;">i am alone. alone here and alone in the world. alone in my heart and alone in my mind. alone everywhere, all the time, for as long as i can remember. alone with my family, alone with my friends, alone in a room full of people. alone when i wake, alone through each day, alone when i finally meet the blackness. i am alone in my horror. alone in my horror.</span><br style="font-style: italic;"> <span style="font-style: italic;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; i don't want to be alone. i have never wanted to be alone. i fucking hate it. i hate that i have no one to talk to, i hate that i have no one to call, i haet that i have no one to hold my hand, hug me, tell me everyhing is going to be all right. i hate that i have no one to share my hopes and my dreams with,<span style="font-weight: bold;"> i hate that i no longer have any hopes or dreams</span>, i hate that i have no one to tell me to hold on, that i can find them again. i hate that when i scream, and i scream bloody murder, that i am screaming into emptiness. i hate that there is no one to hear my scream and that there is no one to help me learn how to stop screaming.</span><br style="font-style: italic;"> <span style="font-style: italic;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; more than anything, all i have ever wanted is to be close to someone. more than anything, all i have ever wanted is to feel as if i wasn't alone. i have tried many times, tried to kill my loneliness.</span><br style="font-style: italic;"> <span style="font-style: italic;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; i am alone in my horror. alone in my horror.</span> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:melt_me_down:15242 2005-06-27T04:54:49Z 2005-06-27T04:54:49Z you think you know me? well, did you know that i purge, after every meal i eat, just to feel like i fit in to some mold or definition of what beauty is to other people? did you know that i try not to eat anything at all, and people marvel at how i've been losing weight, and that's why? because they actually do notice. they say, "wow, you look so good. i can't believe it, i hardly recognized you." did you know that i cry after i drop you off at home? because i feel like there's nothing you really want from me? other than a little bit of company now and then and maybe i'm just someone who listen? did you know that i pray every night for something to happen to me, just so i would be able to forget you and everything you've ever put me through? i doubt it. you look away as soon as it seems like i need you. and then you leave me. i can forgive you for everything else. but i'll never forgive you for that. because, you did know about that. you DO know. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:melt_me_down:14876 2005-06-21T06:02:57Z 2005-06-21T06:02:57Z it was so hot out today. it wasn't even a nice hot. it was just too hot to want to do anything. on my smoke break at work, i realized i think too much. i should just skip it. it puts me in a bad mood for the rest of the day. it was really pretty out, though.<br /><br />i went to the cemetery. i hadn't been there in years. his grave looked so forgotten. it made me feel so horrible about death. i know that it's a part of life and people move on. but his grave looked so lonely next to all the other ones that had flowers and cards. i wonder if that will happen to me. anyway..i had taken a few flowers with me. i took out the underground vase and placed them inside. his stone was covered by weeds, so i took some time to clear it up, so we could at least read his name. it looked like it had been ages since anyone else visited him. so i guess it didn't really matter. i didn't feel anything. not good. not bad. not anything. i couldn't help but wonder why. i still can't. i looked around. it was so quiet. and it made me wonder why people don't go more often. instead of just on those holidays, that they're supposed to remember their loved ones for. it's a good place to go...i guess if i felt anything, it was clarity. i plan on going back. i need to spend more time there. it just gave me this weird feeling, like i was doing something i shouldn't have been.<br /><br />i don't know what to think from here. i wish the dreams about him would stop. or give me a little break. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:melt_me_down:14738 2005-06-18T06:17:48Z 2005-06-18T06:17:48Z i sat in a room full of strangers chainsmoking and trying my hardest not to think of you. i smiled. i laughed. i tried to listen. i tried to be social, without you being in my head the whole time. but you were. none of my attempts at ridding you from my thoughts, for even a night, so i could be worryfree, worked. i feel so alone. like you abandoned me. i got home. and said, "yes, i had a good time. thank you." i'm still trying to convince myself that i did.<br /><br />you're pulling me under..i'm drowning in my sleep. and you don't give me a second thought. i have to admit, that's not how i imagined it. or how i wanted it to be. but if there's one thing i'm sure of, it's you can't always get what you want.<br />bye sweetie,<br />babydoll,<br />whatever.<br />i love you too. it makes me miss you that much more. why can't you just mean what you do? and say what you mean? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:melt_me_down:14416 2005-06-15T05:08:28Z 2005-06-15T05:08:28Z i tried crying because i needed some form of release.<br />but the tears just wouldn't come.<br />the boy down the street said that he thinks i'm cute.<br />that didn't make me feel anything, though.<br />but then he said he could never be with me.<br />and i asked why.<br />and he told me that i just wouldn't understand.<br />and that kind of hurt. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:melt_me_down:14119 2005-06-10T22:01:44Z 2005-06-10T22:01:44Z i never really ask for anything from anyone, but i feel like i'm taking a toll on people. like i'm that weight they need lifted from their backs.<br /><br />school is over. i'm done. commencement is sunday and that scares me. but it's a relief. i won't have to see people i don't want to anymore. and they won't have to see me.<br /><br />i feel like something important should've happened in my life by now. but i've got nothing. nothing that sets me apart from any other 18 year old in this world. oh yeah, i'm 18 now. my birthday was june 1st. that's the only other event that's happened in my life other than me graduationg in two days. and it doesn't mean much. sure, i can buy a pack of cigarettes when i want to now. but what else have i got to show for it? nothing, really.<br /><br />but i have plans. so many. and i want to make something of myself. i want to show everyone who i though that i couldn't do it that they're wrong. because i am so much better than i let myself believe that i am. and that isnt conceit. i'm no better than anyone else. i'm just not the big waste of space i think everyone sees me as. i want to prove. i want to live. i want to love. i want it to be different. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:melt_me_down:13887 2005-05-12T01:34:57Z 2005-05-12T01:34:57Z the smell of fresh-cut grass was in the air. but surrounding me were fields made up of the tallest grass i've ever seen. i think it was just a sign that summer's right around the corner. and mother nature was letting me know. there's always something about summer that makes people smile. there is no doubt. and i lay in the field with him, our fingertips barely touching, cigarettes hanging from both of our lips. the smoke mingled with the summer air, and i inhaled so i could remember it forever. and i remember how i felt. so happy to be alive. and with this boy. and i remember how he looked at me. he looked so content with his surroundings. and i couldn't stop myself from reaching out for him. a downpour of rain made us more aware of our surroundings. and i can't say that i wasn't disappointed when we broke contact to look around. but i'll have that feeling forever. just being one with myself and my surroundings. and i'll always remember how it felt. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:melt_me_down:13705 2005-05-09T04:06:03Z 2005-05-09T04:06:03Z you don't see it, just like i don't see anything good. but there's something compelling people in the other direction. away from me. run, run, as fast as you can. because it'll catch up with you. and you won't trust it. but once you've had it, you'll want more. i'm certain of it. this feeling will entrap you, i swear it. i wish somebody out there knew what i meant. it's not something i can explain with words. i've tried and i've tried. but justice won't be had. what is it, you ask? well, i'm not sure i can answer that. because i'm only just starting to see thing clearly. from myself. as it goes. and goes.<br /><br />and then, the other night, i thought i knew what it was. i've felt it before in the way you looked at me, the last few times i saw you. i listened to the words in the song. they sang: "kiss her, kiss her. what are you waiting for?" and you looked at me. and i said, "so..what are you waiting for?" in my, oh-so-clever way. and i felt a kind of magic. the kind that makes stars explode behind your eyes and the explosion reaches the tips of your toes and fingertips. and i think everyone is afraid of that feeling, because they're terrified that they won't get to experience but more than once. but to experience it was all i've ever wanted, and i wouldn't trade that for anything in the world.<br /><br />what i'm getting at, is, if you don't take the dive, then you won't ever know what's worth falling for. if anyone knows what i'm saying. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:melt_me_down:13433 2005-05-08T05:10:21Z 2005-05-08T05:10:36Z i'm a holy trainwreck. and it's never mattered to anyone before, as much as you. i guess i don't really understand how you feel. or how you are. but i want to try. i wish i knew. you seem complete to me. and i envy that. in a way only someone as incomplete as i am can. is there something wrong with that? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:melt_me_down:13216 2005-04-22T03:47:20Z 2005-04-22T03:47:20Z just the thought of sleep right now makes me cringe. drug-induced nights keep me up with silly hallucinations that i shouldn't be having. i think too much. and i can't just be. i have to do. and say. and be noticed.<br /><br />i'll get up in the morning and go to school in a haze just like every other morning and i'll speak slowly and deliberately; only the suitable. and still, no one will know that i couldn't shut up the night before because everything that flooded my mind flew straight out of my mouth. except i couldn't remember it in the morning. which is actually pretty humorous to me. i just remember being all bubbly, and i'm not like that. really, i'm not. and i don't care. okay, maybe a little. but i'm allowed to be bubbly every now and then, right? and i don't remember it, so i guess what's the big deal?<br /><br />well, for one, i promised myself no more drugs. i'm trying to be the good girl now. no more drugs. and random boys.<br /><br />but these parties and drugs and warm kisses make me want to go back because before it didn't matter. let me rephrase that. it didn't matter to me. but it hurt them. those other people i've long since tried to forget, but couldn't in the end.<br /><br />and i sit around waiting for phonecalls from cute boys that kiss me and hold my hand and say it's okay to be me. okay, well one boy in particular. and i remember the way he pushed my hair out of my face and told me he meant it when he said i was pretty, which was nice. but i don't believe it. and he held my hair back for me as i puked all over. night to remember, huh? and as he held my hand after, smoothing my hair back, i remember thinking, <i>so this is how it feels when someone might actually care about you?</i> i think it was the first time anyone had stayed with me when i was to the point of poisoning and instead of running for the trashcan and leaving me crying because i'm stupid, he yelled out for someone else to get it, and held my hand and coped with me. and you know, that's not anything romantic or anything. i realize this, really. but i just think it's funny, because, i've known him for 4 years and never knew he cared about me enough. even my best friends would be running to save their shoes from getting puked on. lovely.<br /><br />and i'm still waiting for something to happen. i think it's the waiting that's ruining it, though. not enough to think about, and too much time.<br /><br />oh, the sweet catastrophes. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:melt_me_down:13043 2005-03-30T05:59:42Z 2005-03-30T05:59:42Z it's hard to make it through a day when everything i see disgusts me.<br /><br />they treat us like criminals. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:melt_me_down:12574 2005-03-02T05:06:25Z 2005-03-02T05:06:40Z sour candy in your mouth, it's a tongue-tied romance like a worn torn tango in the south. you'll change your story to keep the blood off your hands; one night at a time. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:melt_me_down:12315 2005-02-27T05:30:07Z 2005-02-27T05:30:07Z i'm tired of fighting this. i don't think it's about to change. i roll down my window and let the snow fall inside. when i'm around him, i get so flushed and i don't know why. i do all i can to keep from kissing him. i don't even want to touch him. i'm scared that he's too fragile and if i touch him, he'll finally crack. whether or not i want that is my problem. i could tell him things that would make him hate me so much. and i could never do that. because i need him. more than i need myself. more than i've ever needed anyone. even admitting that would break him somewhere deep down inside. i guess it puts too much pressure on people. so i just pour my heart out to people i've never met because they can't use anything i say against me. and i don't even know where this is leading anymore. i'm just going with it because i've got nothing better to do.. i'm too scared to live lately. i can't take chances because i'm scared that i'll end up alone. so let's sit in this misery together because he doesn't want to feel and i don't have anything left that i haven't already felt for him. my heart is ready to explode. and i sort of wish it would already. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:melt_me_down:12118 2005-02-22T06:30:21Z 2005-02-22T06:30:21Z i didn't want to let you see that it hurt me. and i didn't mean it to sound the way it did when it came out. i just wanted you to know that i was serious when i said i wanted to run away with you. and it hurt me more than you could ever imagine when you spoke those words that i dont even want to think about right now. i don't think i can bare to repeat them, even though they're playing on repeat in my mind. and as you walked out the door, for the second time tonight, i thought you really might not come back. but you said that you didn't mean it and that you were positive. but i'm still hurt that you'd even think that. i'm sorry i'm not good enough. i'm sorry i'm not what you want. and i'm sorry that you're still sticking around. because it confuses me. and i don't understand why, if you're so uninterested in me, why you keep calling and coming back. can someone help me understand, please? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:melt_me_down:11883 2005-02-17T21:32:13Z 2005-02-17T21:32:13Z i try to convince myself that this is how it's supposed to be. that youre my best friend and i can cuddle with you. and kiss you. and smile and say that, yes, i'm really happy. and yes, i really mean it. and actually, that part's all true. that's how i feel. but i know it shouldn't be like this. i know that you don't love me as much as you love the next girl. and i know that you probably never will. but a girl can hope, right? and that's what i do. every time your hand grabs mine, every time your fingers brush a piece of hair off of my cheek.<br /><br />i just want the kind of something that's real. the kind of something that i can say meant everything to me. because i think everyone needs to feel that. i just wish he did. because i sort of do. and i don't know what else to say about it. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:melt_me_down:11638 2005-01-29T06:04:07Z 2005-01-29T06:04:07Z i refuse to let myself cry for you anymore. if it's not there, then i have to let it go. i don't know why i keep hoping for more. it's like, you give me a little bit, and then take it away. you know i want more. why won't you let me forget about you? right when i lose focus on you and how badly i want us to happen, you come riding in on your high horse and sweep me up again. but i won't let it happen this time. because every tear unshed building up inside of me is giving me more hope that i can move on. if i can stop myself from crying because of you, maybe i can stop myself from going back to you. the sad thing is, as i sit here and type this, i know it's all a lie. every fucking letter. because..when you seem like you don't care, i want you to care more than anything in the world. and you know it. you'll never forget it. and i'll never forget how it feels to be in your arms. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:melt_me_down:11373 2005-01-17T20:25:47Z 2005-01-17T20:25:47Z i miss the feeling i got when you looked at me that way. the way i could tell you wanted to kiss me, but you didn't know how i'd react, so you didn't. i wish you would though. i need to know that you feel real. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:melt_me_down:11235 2005-01-17T06:00:05Z 2005-01-17T06:01:11Z she cries herself to sleep every night because he never says what he means. and she never knew the difference. they laugh and talk about her behind her back. and she smiles while she walks past as they offer nods and smug grins. she doesn't know the difference. and acceptance seems to be the only word she can remember when it comes to what she wants. but i guess you could say what she really wants is love. only, she'll never know the difference.<br /><br />the nights get longer and colder. and there's no one to hold her. no one to say that everything will be okay. she wants him. he never meant what he said and she knows that she still misses him. she listens to him stutter for explanations...she waits for the words that could make her feel anything but pain. and they come, but he never meant a word he said. and she'll never know the difference.