she's still too young to choose. (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} melt_me_down) wrote,@ 2005-04-21 23:32:00 |
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just the thought of sleep right now makes me cringe. drug-induced nights keep me up with silly hallucinations that i shouldn't be having. i think too much. and i can't just be. i have to do. and say. and be noticed.
i'll get up in the morning and go to school in a haze just like every other morning and i'll speak slowly and deliberately; only the suitable. and still, no one will know that i couldn't shut up the night before because everything that flooded my mind flew straight out of my mouth. except i couldn't remember it in the morning. which is actually pretty humorous to me. i just remember being all bubbly, and i'm not like that. really, i'm not. and i don't care. okay, maybe a little. but i'm allowed to be bubbly every now and then, right? and i don't remember it, so i guess what's the big deal?
well, for one, i promised myself no more drugs. i'm trying to be the good girl now. no more drugs. and random boys.
but these parties and drugs and warm kisses make me want to go back because before it didn't matter. let me rephrase that. it didn't matter to me. but it hurt them. those other people i've long since tried to forget, but couldn't in the end.
and i sit around waiting for phonecalls from cute boys that kiss me and hold my hand and say it's okay to be me. okay, well one boy in particular. and i remember the way he pushed my hair out of my face and told me he meant it when he said i was pretty, which was nice. but i don't believe it. and he held my hair back for me as i puked all over. night to remember, huh? and as he held my hand after, smoothing my hair back, i remember thinking, so this is how it feels when someone might actually care about you? i think it was the first time anyone had stayed with me when i was to the point of poisoning and instead of running for the trashcan and leaving me crying because i'm stupid, he yelled out for someone else to get it, and held my hand and coped with me. and you know, that's not anything romantic or anything. i realize this, really. but i just think it's funny, because, i've known him for 4 years and never knew he cared about me enough. even my best friends would be running to save their shoes from getting puked on. lovely.
and i'm still waiting for something to happen. i think it's the waiting that's ruining it, though. not enough to think about, and too much time.
oh, the sweet catastrophes.
i'll get up in the morning and go to school in a haze just like every other morning and i'll speak slowly and deliberately; only the suitable. and still, no one will know that i couldn't shut up the night before because everything that flooded my mind flew straight out of my mouth. except i couldn't remember it in the morning. which is actually pretty humorous to me. i just remember being all bubbly, and i'm not like that. really, i'm not. and i don't care. okay, maybe a little. but i'm allowed to be bubbly every now and then, right? and i don't remember it, so i guess what's the big deal?
well, for one, i promised myself no more drugs. i'm trying to be the good girl now. no more drugs. and random boys.
but these parties and drugs and warm kisses make me want to go back because before it didn't matter. let me rephrase that. it didn't matter to me. but it hurt them. those other people i've long since tried to forget, but couldn't in the end.
and i sit around waiting for phonecalls from cute boys that kiss me and hold my hand and say it's okay to be me. okay, well one boy in particular. and i remember the way he pushed my hair out of my face and told me he meant it when he said i was pretty, which was nice. but i don't believe it. and he held my hair back for me as i puked all over. night to remember, huh? and as he held my hand after, smoothing my hair back, i remember thinking, so this is how it feels when someone might actually care about you? i think it was the first time anyone had stayed with me when i was to the point of poisoning and instead of running for the trashcan and leaving me crying because i'm stupid, he yelled out for someone else to get it, and held my hand and coped with me. and you know, that's not anything romantic or anything. i realize this, really. but i just think it's funny, because, i've known him for 4 years and never knew he cared about me enough. even my best friends would be running to save their shoes from getting puked on. lovely.
and i'm still waiting for something to happen. i think it's the waiting that's ruining it, though. not enough to think about, and too much time.
oh, the sweet catastrophes.
