| don't drag my love around, volcanos melt me down. |
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she's still too young to choose.
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[20 Sep 2006|03:17am] |
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I feel like I'm always stuck at that same turning point....
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[15 Sep 2006|01:40am] |
no one knows me like you
and I have that feeling
you know that feeling?
the one that tells you
you'll never get over that one person
it scares me more
than you could ever know
when I try to speak
it never comes out right
and we're left with these
awkward moments
but no one knows me like you
and you try
and I try
and somehow we pull through
I know you'll never realise
how happy I am
that no one knows me like you
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[17 May 2006|04:11am] |
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i've been having dreams that don't make sense. i've been torturing myself for no real reason at all. i can't understand. me. or you. you won't talk to me because you can't admit that you're upset but you have no reason to be. so i pretend that i'm alright with it and let you sulk. it's fucking tearing me up inside. i find real ways to make myself miserable because i know you're feeling miserable. this isn't making sense. it never does. i just want to be able to sleep again.
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[15 May 2006|02:24am] |
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even though i feel that i have nothing left to offer, i can't stop making half-hearted attempts. i need to give, regardless of the fact that there's nothing left to give. everything i could have done differently, or better, or not have done at all, it drives me crazy. crazy.
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[07 May 2006|11:43pm] |
I feel like I should be more excited. I guess so much is going right in the direction I want it to, so to speak. (knock on wood.) Yet I have that feeling that I don't deserve anything that I'm happy about. My friends. Family. Great company. You know, simple things taken for granted.
There are the ups and downs. The fact that I completely don't understand anything that my mom does. Or says. Why I get caught in the middle of everyone's fights? Okay, not everyone's... Mom vs. stepdad. Mom vs. dad. Mom vs. siblings. Mom vs. the world. So many complications to the one I owe my life to. She never lets me forget it, either. I hate that. It's such a low blow. Her answer for everything is: "well, I brought you into this world. If it weren't for me, you wouldn't have a life." Thanks for acting like you really want me around...I'm just a pawn.
I'm pretty groggy. Itchy, too. Allergy season is a killer on my moods. And sleep habits. So I guess this won't even matter in the morning. Whatever. Summer is upon us and I'm pretty pumped about that. I need a summer job. There's always my place back at Panera. Ha. Maybe if I'm desperate enough. I'm finally getting school situated. Once I'm done with that, I don't even care what happens. I just want to make sure I'm not wasting my time here. I want to ...conquer. Yada yada.
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[04 May 2006|02:48pm] |
lost
motivation
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[07 Sep 2005|02:32am] |
no one seems able to understand...
and i see it in my head.
win/lose/win/lose/win.
i lose.
i don't want to play follow the leader here.
i'm trying to be mature about this.
choose, they keep saying.
but why? just to hurt someone in the end?
win/lose/win/lose/win.
the odds are always the same.
i lose.
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[30 Aug 2005|10:29pm] |
it's crazy what you'll remember in a day.
i am alone. alone
here and alone in the world. alone in my heart and alone in my mind.
alone everywhere, all the time, for as long as i can remember. alone
with my family, alone with my friends, alone in a room full of people.
alone when i wake, alone through each day, alone when i finally meet
the blackness. i am alone in my horror. alone in my horror.
i don't want to be
alone. i have never wanted to be alone. i fucking hate it. i hate that
i have no one to talk to, i hate that i have no one to call, i haet
that i have no one to hold my hand, hug me, tell me everyhing is going
to be all right. i hate that i have no one to share my hopes and my
dreams with, i hate that i no longer have any hopes or dreams,
i hate that i have no one to tell me to hold on, that i can find them
again. i hate that when i scream, and i scream bloody murder, that i am
screaming into emptiness. i hate that there is no one to hear my scream
and that there is no one to help me learn how to stop screaming.
more than
anything, all i have ever wanted is to be close to someone. more than
anything, all i have ever wanted is to feel as if i wasn't alone. i
have tried many times, tried to kill my loneliness.
i am alone in my horror. alone in my horror.
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[27 Jun 2005|12:49am] |
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you think you know me? well, did you know that i purge, after every meal i eat, just to feel like i fit in to some mold or definition of what beauty is to other people? did you know that i try not to eat anything at all, and people marvel at how i've been losing weight, and that's why? because they actually do notice. they say, "wow, you look so good. i can't believe it, i hardly recognized you." did you know that i cry after i drop you off at home? because i feel like there's nothing you really want from me? other than a little bit of company now and then and maybe i'm just someone who listen? did you know that i pray every night for something to happen to me, just so i would be able to forget you and everything you've ever put me through? i doubt it. you look away as soon as it seems like i need you. and then you leave me. i can forgive you for everything else. but i'll never forgive you for that. because, you did know about that. you DO know.
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[21 Jun 2005|01:56am] |
it was so hot out today. it wasn't even a nice hot. it was just too hot to want to do anything. on my smoke break at work, i realized i think too much. i should just skip it. it puts me in a bad mood for the rest of the day. it was really pretty out, though.
i went to the cemetery. i hadn't been there in years. his grave looked so forgotten. it made me feel so horrible about death. i know that it's a part of life and people move on. but his grave looked so lonely next to all the other ones that had flowers and cards. i wonder if that will happen to me. anyway..i had taken a few flowers with me. i took out the underground vase and placed them inside. his stone was covered by weeds, so i took some time to clear it up, so we could at least read his name. it looked like it had been ages since anyone else visited him. so i guess it didn't really matter. i didn't feel anything. not good. not bad. not anything. i couldn't help but wonder why. i still can't. i looked around. it was so quiet. and it made me wonder why people don't go more often. instead of just on those holidays, that they're supposed to remember their loved ones for. it's a good place to go...i guess if i felt anything, it was clarity. i plan on going back. i need to spend more time there. it just gave me this weird feeling, like i was doing something i shouldn't have been.
i don't know what to think from here. i wish the dreams about him would stop. or give me a little break.
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[18 Jun 2005|02:11am] |
i sat in a room full of strangers chainsmoking and trying my hardest not to think of you. i smiled. i laughed. i tried to listen. i tried to be social, without you being in my head the whole time. but you were. none of my attempts at ridding you from my thoughts, for even a night, so i could be worryfree, worked. i feel so alone. like you abandoned me. i got home. and said, "yes, i had a good time. thank you." i'm still trying to convince myself that i did.
you're pulling me under..i'm drowning in my sleep. and you don't give me a second thought. i have to admit, that's not how i imagined it. or how i wanted it to be. but if there's one thing i'm sure of, it's you can't always get what you want.
bye sweetie,
babydoll,
whatever.
i love you too. it makes me miss you that much more. why can't you just mean what you do? and say what you mean?
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[15 Jun 2005|01:04am] |
i tried crying because i needed some form of release.
but the tears just wouldn't come.
the boy down the street said that he thinks i'm cute.
that didn't make me feel anything, though.
but then he said he could never be with me.
and i asked why.
and he told me that i just wouldn't understand.
and that kind of hurt.
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[10 Jun 2005|05:52pm] |
i never really ask for anything from anyone, but i feel like i'm taking a toll on people. like i'm that weight they need lifted from their backs.
school is over. i'm done. commencement is sunday and that scares me. but it's a relief. i won't have to see people i don't want to anymore. and they won't have to see me.
i feel like something important should've happened in my life by now. but i've got nothing. nothing that sets me apart from any other 18 year old in this world. oh yeah, i'm 18 now. my birthday was june 1st. that's the only other event that's happened in my life other than me graduationg in two days. and it doesn't mean much. sure, i can buy a pack of cigarettes when i want to now. but what else have i got to show for it? nothing, really.
but i have plans. so many. and i want to make something of myself. i want to show everyone who i though that i couldn't do it that they're wrong. because i am so much better than i let myself believe that i am. and that isnt conceit. i'm no better than anyone else. i'm just not the big waste of space i think everyone sees me as. i want to prove. i want to live. i want to love. i want it to be different.
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[11 May 2005|09:26pm] |
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the smell of fresh-cut grass was in the air. but surrounding me were fields made up of the tallest grass i've ever seen. i think it was just a sign that summer's right around the corner. and mother nature was letting me know. there's always something about summer that makes people smile. there is no doubt. and i lay in the field with him, our fingertips barely touching, cigarettes hanging from both of our lips. the smoke mingled with the summer air, and i inhaled so i could remember it forever. and i remember how i felt. so happy to be alive. and with this boy. and i remember how he looked at me. he looked so content with his surroundings. and i couldn't stop myself from reaching out for him. a downpour of rain made us more aware of our surroundings. and i can't say that i wasn't disappointed when we broke contact to look around. but i'll have that feeling forever. just being one with myself and my surroundings. and i'll always remember how it felt.
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[08 May 2005|11:59pm] |
you don't see it, just like i don't see anything good. but there's something compelling people in the other direction. away from me. run, run, as fast as you can. because it'll catch up with you. and you won't trust it. but once you've had it, you'll want more. i'm certain of it. this feeling will entrap you, i swear it. i wish somebody out there knew what i meant. it's not something i can explain with words. i've tried and i've tried. but justice won't be had. what is it, you ask? well, i'm not sure i can answer that. because i'm only just starting to see thing clearly. from myself. as it goes. and goes.
and then, the other night, i thought i knew what it was. i've felt it before in the way you looked at me, the last few times i saw you. i listened to the words in the song. they sang: "kiss her, kiss her. what are you waiting for?" and you looked at me. and i said, "so..what are you waiting for?" in my, oh-so-clever way. and i felt a kind of magic. the kind that makes stars explode behind your eyes and the explosion reaches the tips of your toes and fingertips. and i think everyone is afraid of that feeling, because they're terrified that they won't get to experience but more than once. but to experience it was all i've ever wanted, and i wouldn't trade that for anything in the world.
what i'm getting at, is, if you don't take the dive, then you won't ever know what's worth falling for. if anyone knows what i'm saying.
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[08 May 2005|01:10am] |
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i'm a holy trainwreck. and it's never mattered to anyone before, as much as you. i guess i don't really understand how you feel. or how you are. but i want to try. i wish i knew. you seem complete to me. and i envy that. in a way only someone as incomplete as i am can. is there something wrong with that?
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[21 Apr 2005|11:32pm] |
just the thought of sleep right now makes me cringe. drug-induced nights keep me up with silly hallucinations that i shouldn't be having. i think too much. and i can't just be. i have to do. and say. and be noticed.
i'll get up in the morning and go to school in a haze just like every other morning and i'll speak slowly and deliberately; only the suitable. and still, no one will know that i couldn't shut up the night before because everything that flooded my mind flew straight out of my mouth. except i couldn't remember it in the morning. which is actually pretty humorous to me. i just remember being all bubbly, and i'm not like that. really, i'm not. and i don't care. okay, maybe a little. but i'm allowed to be bubbly every now and then, right? and i don't remember it, so i guess what's the big deal?
well, for one, i promised myself no more drugs. i'm trying to be the good girl now. no more drugs. and random boys.
but these parties and drugs and warm kisses make me want to go back because before it didn't matter. let me rephrase that. it didn't matter to me. but it hurt them. those other people i've long since tried to forget, but couldn't in the end.
and i sit around waiting for phonecalls from cute boys that kiss me and hold my hand and say it's okay to be me. okay, well one boy in particular. and i remember the way he pushed my hair out of my face and told me he meant it when he said i was pretty, which was nice. but i don't believe it. and he held my hair back for me as i puked all over. night to remember, huh? and as he held my hand after, smoothing my hair back, i remember thinking, so this is how it feels when someone might actually care about you? i think it was the first time anyone had stayed with me when i was to the point of poisoning and instead of running for the trashcan and leaving me crying because i'm stupid, he yelled out for someone else to get it, and held my hand and coped with me. and you know, that's not anything romantic or anything. i realize this, really. but i just think it's funny, because, i've known him for 4 years and never knew he cared about me enough. even my best friends would be running to save their shoes from getting puked on. lovely.
and i'm still waiting for something to happen. i think it's the waiting that's ruining it, though. not enough to think about, and too much time.
oh, the sweet catastrophes.
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[30 Mar 2005|12:58am] |
it's hard to make it through a day when everything i see disgusts me.
they treat us like criminals.
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[02 Mar 2005|12:04am] |
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sour candy in your mouth, it's a tongue-tied romance like a worn torn tango in the south. you'll change your story to keep the blood off your hands; one night at a time.
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[27 Feb 2005|12:24am] |
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i'm tired of fighting this. i don't think it's about to change. i roll down my window and let the snow fall inside. when i'm around him, i get so flushed and i don't know why. i do all i can to keep from kissing him. i don't even want to touch him. i'm scared that he's too fragile and if i touch him, he'll finally crack. whether or not i want that is my problem. i could tell him things that would make him hate me so much. and i could never do that. because i need him. more than i need myself. more than i've ever needed anyone. even admitting that would break him somewhere deep down inside. i guess it puts too much pressure on people. so i just pour my heart out to people i've never met because they can't use anything i say against me. and i don't even know where this is leading anymore. i'm just going with it because i've got nothing better to do.. i'm too scared to live lately. i can't take chances because i'm scared that i'll end up alone. so let's sit in this misery together because he doesn't want to feel and i don't have anything left that i haven't already felt for him. my heart is ready to explode. and i sort of wish it would already.
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